Which Was Wild

A triangle of glass pointed out of her head toward my six-eyed monster. I wasn’t happy with the way the skin folded around his eyes. I told the girl to leave while I worked on him some more.

“Like this?” she pointed to her fake bloody head.

“No, you can clean up, it’s going to be awhile.”

It was already noon and I craved a crisp icy pool to slip into. I wanted to drink in the crystal blue water. I felt dried up.

“Hey Drew, what about me?” Var said, his voice muffled under the monster head. “Can I get out of this thing?”

“Take a break, I need to work on your eyes.” I went out to lunch.

* * *

I left the set and crossed W Street like I always do and then stood on the corner waiting for the light to change. I remember thinking, that car’s running a red light, and as soon as the thought left my head, the cars hit.

You did this. It’s my word against

Reflectors flashed orange in the noontime sun. I had my glasses on. I saw everything. I went over to where the people were huddled. Voices were all trying to talk at once. Sirens came and police cars and the crowd grew. I felt a pull to leave but the pull to stay was stronger. It became even stronger the more I stood there. It became impossible to leave.

I heard a man say, “Did anyone see anything? Sir, what did you see?” At first I didn’t know he was talking to me.

“I saw the Beetle hit the Chihuahua,” I said, staring straight ahead, frozen. The sirens were blinding. The sun wouldn’t move. There were no shadows.

“So you saw it? I need your statement,” the man said. I turned my head to him and saw he was wearing a cop uniform. “What’s your name?”

“Drew,” I said.

He told me to come with him and I went and told him what I’d seen. The blue Beetle went through the light and the red hatchback ran into it and spun around. I remembered seeing the bobble-head Chihuahua in the front window nodding yes, yes, yes.

“You’re my only witness,” the cop said after I finished.

“What about all these other people?”

“None of them actually saw anything.” The cop gave me his card and told me he’d be in touch if they needed me again. They didn’t think it would go to court, but you never know, he said.

I looked at my watch. It was after two. I had only walked a block from the set and still no lunch. I went back to work anyway.

“Where the hell have you been?” Var said. He’d already gotten out of his costume, but he left his teeth in so we wouldn’t have to do it again the next day.

“I was witness to an accident.” I told him what happened.

“Did anyone get totaled?”

He looked disappointed when I said I didn’t think so. His teeth were jagged triangles with a greenish hue. When he smiled, he looked like he would bite.

Var told me he was going out that night. “And you’re coming with me,” he said. “No excuses this time. We’re going to score you some pussy tonight.”

I didn’t want to go. The last time I went out with him I couldn’t find my head for days. But I didn’t feel like fighting.

“I’ll pick you up around nine,” he said, slapping his hands together and rubbing them up and down.

I went home. I took the cop’s card and stuck it on my refrigerator. I ate cold spaghetti on my balcony overlooking the street. I watched my hand hold the fork to make it move to scoop the noodles and put them into my mouth. How did my hands get so rough looking? Of course I knew, it’s all part of the trade. But part of me didn’t believe it. Didn’t believe these could be my hands. My body. My balcony.

I slid the glass doors back inside my apartment and sat down in front of the open slab of clay with a head sprouted on top. Her eyes were all wrong. I scooped them out and squished the face. I looked around at the other heads lined up against the wall. None of their eyes were right. I took a giant black plastic bag and covered them up so I couldn’t see their wrong eyes looking at me.

* * *

My doorbell buzzed at nine and I ignored it. It buzzed again and then again and then a long buzz that wouldn’t stop so I went downstairs.

“Come on, fucker!” Var said and he pushed me into the front seat of his coupe. Music blared and smoke blew out his mouth, his nose. He smiled his green triangle teeth.

“Motherfuckin partay!” Var yelled out the window when the car spun down the road. He cranked up the music. It was noisy and grating and matched my view of the street. Var had his hair slicked and underneath the smoke I could smell some kind of cologne. The windows were rolled down and the night air stuck to my skin.

We rode into the city night inside our glass bubble. Reflections glided over the car window, red and green and silver. Girls walked shiny, vinyl and sleek. Their hair had a sheen to it, gelled and combed behind their ears. The music was in synch with the city beat. Our motions were smooth like water. The cars went and came and the girls moved with them like shadows and reflections. We were gliding, flying overhead, looking down at the buildings, smooth like glass.

“This is going to be awesome,” Var said.

I looked down at my hands.

“Stop it.”

“What?”

“Stop thinking about her. Jess is dead, Drew.” It was the first time I’d heard her name spoken outside of my head in a hundred years. I clenched my fists and looked outside the window.

We drove toward the colors, the action. In front of the club, the sleek stood outside, gathered around the walls and corners. Smoke blew out of their noses. A gold sedan sparkled in front of the club. Ice clinked against their glasses. Goldie stood still, radiating. Around the corner came a black car, gleaming. Its mirrors were already sharp, jagged, the windshield a spider web. When Blackie turned there would be conflict. Contact. Crash—the black car front wrinkled its nose against the gold metal. The girls danced and shimmered and shook. The boys held their glasses and nodded their heads. I saw Blackie hit Goldie. Heat in the city, cold as ice. Lights reflected in their eyes. I fell out of my body.

Again the sirens came and people gathered and disbursed. And again I was the only one that saw the whole thing. Yes, there were others there, but their vantage points were wrong. They had been drinking, their view was blocked, they turned their heads at the wrong time. Two in one day. Var cursed and told me to get back in the car. We would find another club. I shook my head and stayed put, waiting to give my report.

You did this. It was you, wasn’t

Blackie spun away. I saw part of its plate. I stood on the corner and told the cops what I saw.

Watch out

“Here’s my card,” the cop said. “We may need you later.” I stuck the card in my pocket. I would put it on my refrigerator when I got home.

* * *

It kept happening.

The next day I walked along the sidewalk by the beach. There was a field I used to go to with Jess. We sometimes had picnics and threw a Frisbee. I looked to the field but kept walking straight along the beach. I didn’t want to go there. My head turned around but my feet kept moving forward. I saw a little girl running in the field. She ran to fetch her ball which kept rolling, rolling into the street. There was nothing to stop the wheels. They kept spinning. The car was driving slow, the field on the right, windows rolled down, stereo on. I could feel the man in that car. I could smell the leather seats, feel the wind whipping in his hair, hear the stereo booming. I could feel him look away for a second, just a second. The car was going slow, but look away for a second and something changes. She told me to watch Like frames in a movie, a subtle difference, but something is there that wasn’t before. Jump out into the street. Press hard on the floor. Brake brake brake on. Hard. The gleam of the window, the glare of the sun. You did this to her Pressing hard, he could feel it underneath. Something underneath. Her eyes, she knew that The car. Reflections rolled off, the glare rolled off like water. Like water on wax. Reflections washed away, my reflection stood still in the glass then was gone. There was no sound.

The man got out of his car, looked around, no one. Another man ran from the field toward him. They looked under the car. Mouths opened wide.

They looked to me. I shook my head. I pointed to the girl underneath. We all looked at each other. There was no sound.

* * *

It got to be a pattern. I would go outside. Either walking or in a car and it didn’t matter how long, I would see one. Cars against cars, cars against people, motorcycles, scooters, something. Sometimes it was just a dent, a fender bender, a broken taillight. Sometimes there were bits of glass, steaming engines, blood. I got to dread it. I always saw the whole thing. Again and again I saw it. And again I had to tell them my story. I had a feeling if I didn’t, there would be trouble to pay.

I stayed in my apartment as much as possible. When work called I told them I was still working on the monster’s eyes. They said they couldn’t hold off much longer. They had to move on.

“You’re the best,” Var said on the phone, “but they’re not going to wait forever.”

“I can’t go out there,” I told him. “It’s like I’m cursed. I’m tired of being a witness. Do you know how many cop cards I have on my refrigerator?”

“Look, dude, I don’t know what’s going on, but you have got to pull yourself together. You could get fired over this.”
I hung up and went to the kitchen. I was out of cold spaghetti. I would have to make a fresh batch. I began to get the ingredients out but there weren’t any. My cupboards were empty, the refrigerator bare.

* * *

I sat on my balcony and looked out to the pool. It was so cool and still like glass and I thought about diving right in, from the balcony, it would feel so good. And the more I concentrated on it, the more I wanted it. I took off my shirt and stood barefoot looking over the edge. I bent my knees to jump and then a horn honked and I looked down and the traffic flowed like a river beneath me. I held on to the rail and sat on the balcony dripping sweat.

I went back inside and drew the curtains. I sat in front of the slab of clay. The eyes were gouged like I’d left them. I couldn’t make her right. I looked at the photo of Jess. You did this

I got up and opened the curtains and slid the glass doors onto the balcony. The night smelled like fire. As soon as I stepped onto the balcony I could feel one coming. A single car moving beyond the pack. And a black-and-white heading straight for it. This time was different because I was still at home. And it was different because there was a woman involved. A triangle of glass sliced through her hand. And I had to tell them. I had to tell them that it was all her fault.

I ran down the building stairs out to the corner where the crash was. She caught my eye through the streetlight glare. I could’ve walked away. I could’ve walked back home, just up the stairs. I could’ve told them something different. I could’ve said anything because it was my word against theirs. I could’ve changed her life.

The two cops stayed in the police car for what seemed like a long time. I wondered if they were hurt too. Both cars were smashed, the cops’ on the front, the woman’s on the side. People were starting to crowd around. I thought that if cops were involved in an accident, the sirens would come sooner, but they didn’t. The cops sat still in their car while the crowd murmured.

“I saw it,” one man said. He had some kind of European accent and flailed his arms in the air. “They’re not going to get away with this. Just look at that poor girl.”

She sat on the side of the road holding her hand, bleeding. Her dirty blond hair whipped in the wind. I can’t believe you would do this to me. It was you, your word against

She caught my eye through the glare of the blinking lights, the broken glass. I wanted to go to her. I began walking toward her when the first cop emerged from the black-and-white. I stopped.

Sirens blared and all the uniformed people talked together and people from the crowd tried to interject. “This guy saw it all!” one of them said, pointing toward the man with an accent.

“It was the cops’ fault,” he said. He had a short fuzz of a beard and yellow buzzed hair. He had a head like a tennis ball. I wanted to hit him.

“You saw it?” I asked him.

“I don’t need to see it to know what happened.”

I let out a huff.

“Don’t tell me you’re taking the cops’ side?”

“I’m not taking sides, I’m reporting the truth.”

I approached the cop that had gotten out of the car. His partner was still inside the vehicle. I told the cop that I had witnessed the whole thing from my balcony, had seen the cars hit from above. I saw it clearly and I knew that it wasn’t their fault. The woman had run the red light.

“Thank you!” the cop said, grabbing my shoulders and looking me in the eye. “I knew it, I knew we were okay,” he looked up at the sky and blinked and breathed in deep. “I kept thinking, where did she come from? She just appeared, and—” he hit his fists together. He patted me on the back. “Stay here. You are going to be my star witness.”

I heard Tennisball Head spouting off his version of the story to another officer. The more he talked the thicker his accent became and the wilder his testimony sounded. He would be determined unreliable.

I looked over to the woman who was still sitting on the ground but now with a blanket around her and someone asking her questions. The ambulance took out a stretcher and got the other cop out of the car. I saw him move, he slumped onto the stretcher and put his hands around his eyes.

* * *

I kept thinking about the woman in that crash. Her hair poured out of my showerhead in long gold strands. Her hand held her bloody hand and reached out to hold my hand. Her eyes looked into me. Real, crystal eyes, not clay, not glass. I had to find her.

I called the cop and asked him to tell me her name. He said he couldn’t tell me. I told him I was his witness, I had a right to know. He said I would find out once things settled down. He couldn’t talk about her right now.
I never knew which was wild, the goose or the chase.

I had to hunt her down. I would find her and tell her my story. I would tell her that I had to do it, had to tell them the truth. It was the right thing to do. I had to find her so I could explain.

* * *

After a week I left my apartment. I put my sunglasses on and looked straight ahead. I drove to the grocery store and got food. Inside, I looked around for her, but she wasn’t there. I drove home extra slow. I made it in my garage, turned the ignition off and breathed in deep. On my way up the stairs I dropped a grocery bag and broke the eggs. I’ll take it, I thought.

I went back out to walk to the set. They had to film the monster scene without me fixing the eyes first. They said I was taking too long. “You have to let this go, Drew.” Var told me. “It’s only a cheesy monster movie. It’s okay if the eyes aren’t perfect.”

I looked down at my hands.

“We’re going out tonight to celebrate this thing being over,” he said. “I’ll pick you up around nine.”
I walked away. I walked off the set and put my sunglasses on and my hat on and tried not to see anything. I cupped my hands around my eyes and looked down at my feet. I watched them move left, right, left, right. I made it all the way home without being witness to anything but my footsteps.

* * *

Var buzzed my door at nine as promised. I looked down from my balcony and saw him in his coupe. He hooted and told me to “get the fuck down here!” I stood from above watching him blow out smoke. Then I saw someone move beside him, shotgun. Her window rolled down and her dirty blond hair streamed out, whipping in the wind.
I ran down the stairs and out. Var threw his cigarette butt out the window. “This is my sister May,” he said.

The woman reached out to shake my hand. It wasn’t cut or bandaged.

“But you—” I didn’t know what to say. She was the woman in the accident. Her hair, her eyes. But she couldn’t be. But she was. “Nice to meet you,” I said and took her hand. It was smooth as glass. I got in the back seat and rolled down the window.

We spun down the city streets and found a crowded bar. When we walked in, everyone talked all at once. There were people from the film there. We ordered rounds of drinks. I recognized some people but I couldn’t place where. We ordered shots. May took my hand and led me into a secret room. Everything felt heavy and velvet. The darkness had a weight to it. It was soft and fell on me like a thick curtain. I had to adjust my eyes.

We sat on a red velvet bench. “You’re not the first,” I told her. She smiled and held my hand. “There were others before you. But it’s different with you. I almost didn’t want to tell them the truth. But I had to. You understand, right?”

She just looked at me with her red lips and wet eyes.

You did this to her. His word against yours. But you know who’s fault

“I was coming home from a set,” I told her. Already I regretted saying it. “No, I’m not an actor, I do the make-up for monsters.” I waited for her to ask what movies she might recognize. Had I ever met anyone famous. How did they make it look so real. But she didn’t ask, so I told her. “I was crossing W, the same street I cross everyday.” I held her hand. I couldn’t tell if it was her sweat or mine. “The sun was shining in my eyes and I knew they had to be in his eyes too, the driver, with the bobble-head. I saw him swerve and then hit the Beetle.” Or was it the Beetle hitting the bobble-head? I thought back to that day. All I could picture was her hair whipping in the wind.

Her hand was wet in my hand. I looked down. Blood. Blood smeared on my hands, our hands, the red velvet, the red of her lips, glass pointing out in shards, my drink on the floor—

Wake up, wake up, wake up. There was a thickness to the air, damp and wet and suffocating. The dim light hurt my eyes. I strained to see. I felt my way back into the main bar.

“Where did she go?”

Var signaled me over and put his arm around me, laughing. May slipped away. Everyone was loud and moving, arms reaching, glasses clinking. I looked down at my hands.

I felt myself slipping into a kind of muffled place, a velvet land, or maybe felt, something rich with dark greens, reds, purples. There was a woman sitting at the bar with a hat that curved over her whole head and slightly over her eyes. I could see the shape of her face but her eyes were shadowed. I wanted to light a match so I could see better. Cut through the darkness.

* * *

I woke up like a stone in bed. Scenes from the previous night slapped me. I had to make this stop.

I started going out all the time. At some point it would have to end. Sooner or later they would run out of cars, out of people. There would be no more accidents to witness and I would be free. All the while I searched for her. I caught traces of her hair, her eyes, but wherever I followed, her shadow was gone and I was faced with my reflection in the glass.

I wandered the streets, walked through neighborhoods I had only heard about, drove down side roads and back alleys. I combed through the city grid and snaked through windy roads. I screamed out into the streets and dared them, dared them to dig something up for me to see. And the streets would always respond.

A giant SUV smashed into a compact car with a Save the Dolphins bumper sticker. They blocked the intersection with their cars facing each other diagonally. Dolphin got out and screamed at SUV, but it was no use. It was Dolphin’s fault. He wasn’t looking. But I saw it all.

A guy who looked strung out on crack got hit by a sports car. The crack man shouted obscenities at the man wearing a black suit and pink tie. He hit the car with his bare hands but the man in the suit kept the windows rolled up and waited for the crack man to move out of the road. The suit looked at me standing on the sidewalk, then sped away with a loud crack, hitting the man again. I memorized his license plate.

A teenage boy zipped into the street on his skateboard. The light was green. A bicyclist crashed into him. The boy got up, safety pins dangling in his ears and looked at the bike messenger. They didn’t say anything, just picked up their stuff and hobbled back onto the road.

A woman pushing a baby stroller walked into the crosswalk. A car swerved in and almost hit the stroller. He got out and only then could I smell the alcohol on his breath. “I didn’t see you,” he said. And it was true. A tree had overgrown the corner covering the stop sign and shielding any pedestrians first walking into the street. It wasn’t his fault.

Every time I was the only witness and every time I had to side with the truth. And the truth was not what I thought it would be.

* * *

Var said, “Guess I won’t be seeing you for awhile.” I picked up my supplies from the set and took the monster head with me. They didn’t need it any more. “I got a part at another studio. No monster this time, I’m going to be a real actor.”

I looked at him and nodded. “Best of luck, Var.” We shook hands and then he pat me on the back. I picked up the monster head and stuck it on my own and left.

I walked off the set and headed home. I got a few blocks down when I saw her turning the corner toward me. She caught my eye. She saw my one real eye inside of the monster head. The head was stuffy and the rubber smell was nauseating. How could I have made Var wear this for so long?

Her hand reached out and I took it.

I was in a car. I was the passenger. I looked over and saw her driving, her blond hair whipping in the wind. It was flying out the window. No, it was a convertible. I was driving. Both our heads were exposed and our hair blew and tangled together. She told me to stop before we came to the glass corner. Watch out! Time slowed down for us to skid, somersault, and land in a striking explosion of glass. A triangle pointed out from her head. A triangle pointed out. A triangle pointed to me. Yield, it said. I didn’t listen.

I looked around. Where were all the people? Where was the crowd? Where was my witness? I couldn’t be there to see it. I couldn’t be in it and watch it at the same time. And yet it played over and over and I could see it all, crashing into, onto, the both of us, our heads exposed. I looked over. She was still and silent. I would have to step up. I was the only one that saw everything. I saw it happen, officer. Yes, I am your witness. I am your star.

I took her home with me. I lifted her out of the car and carried her up and glided home where I put her down into a bath of rose water and she was clean again, the gash not as bad as we thought. She would be just fine after all. It was only a surface wound.

We stood on my balcony looking out. The sunset looked like a velvet curtain rustling in the wind. I kept waiting for it to close on me, the final dusk curtain drawn. But it kept glowing in red amber light. I tried to close the curtain but her hand stopped it. I looked at her. She smiled with pointy teeth. I pulled the curtain but it wouldn’t move. Her eyes gleamed and I wanted them to be mine. Watch out I wanted to take her eyes and carve them out and give them to my monster. He would eat her alive.